From Where We Were to Where We Are

April 4, 2011

I have lived on the streets my whole life, I guess, when I really think about it. It's not like I didn't have parents, a mom and a dad even, growing up or anything, but I didn't spend much time in the house because it was a shitty environment to grow up in. Really though, things weren't much better in The Bronx. I spent most of my time outside, playing with the other kids in my crummy little neighborhood. 

when things went downhill, when my dad lost his job, the kids I was playing with became gang members, people who could provide me with a way to provide for my family. That's all it was, was a way out. 

I wish I had a fucking way out, now.

I guess what I mean to say is that I don't know how I got into all of this shit, even though I do. I've always been a street kid, and being a member of a gang is a natural extension of that. It doesn't seem all that long ago, me at 15, talking to Harry out on the back porch. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I hadn't agreed to join that night. But the money was good, and I grew up really fast after I killed my first motherfucker. You do what you have to to survive. It was easy, really it was. That's what scares me the most, these days, is how easy I killed that first guy.

Back then, when Joshua ran this shit, I knew what I was in for, why I was doing the work that I was doing. Go out, smoke some MJ with a couple of scary-ass guys, run some dope from one place to the next, maybe take care of some guy who hasn't paid up later that night, and bam. Go home for the night with a shit-ton of cash and no worries.

But now it's all fucking different. It's only been six months since that Jessica bitch took over, but God, it feels like years. I wish God had anything to do with this. If He did, she wouldn't even be here, there'd be no way a sane God would allow that inhuman beast to live...Cruella de-fucking-ville, in the flesh, with that crazy fur coat and the matted hair...

I don't know how we got from where we were to where we are.

this is the earliest entry I can dig up in Brad's journals...don't you just LOVE his descriptions of me~? ehehehehe, I just love my coat, but of course he must not have realized it was made out of human hair at the time...he would have appreciated it all the more if he did, I think! I used some of ol' Joshua's hair in the most recent one, his black really sets off the color of my eyes, I think.

.....My darling child, I miss him so...don't you miss him? DON'T YOU?! 

You should. He was the last one of them, those little ingrates of mine, who was actually worth a damn.......

Now that he's gone, I just don't know what I'll do! It's a whole new world for me, and I might not be so nice anymore, without my sweet baby boy to consider. I promise you won't like that, guys. You won't like me if I'm not being so nice as I have been. I ought to find the devil responsible for killing my Bradley, and make them into a nice soup...

...if it's one of you, though, ohhhhh, I have a special plan for you...I'll make you into the newest part of my coat......

Next entry will be up later. I've got business to attend to this weekend!! Toodle-oo!